At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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