My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
