he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
My vagina is officially offended.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
