My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
