The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
If I had your ass I would rule the world
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
