I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
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