i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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