I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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