I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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