just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
