I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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