she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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