The maid of honor just puked.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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