Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
