The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
