that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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