I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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