Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
