I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
My vagina just recognized that song.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
