At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
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