I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
This is classic penis vs brain.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
