I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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