So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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