I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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