Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
