Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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