i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
