No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
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