talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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