My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize