i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
