There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
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