it hurts more in the daytime
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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