well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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