Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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