I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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