He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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