I'm going to jail i love you
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
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