I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
