Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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