I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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