I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
