We're like a lot better than the average bears
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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