I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize