Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
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