It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
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