You really coming over, don't trick.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
