My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
People with herpes should wear stickers.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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