Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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