I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
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