Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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