so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
