Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Randomize
