Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
