Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
