We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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