i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
