The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
