there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
did i walk over a car last night?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
