I cannot find my penis.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
