Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
