well you can't waste a boner
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize