I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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