she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
