Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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