I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
